felix-leg

Today is the day we gather with our families and share presents :)

So, I wish you very merry Xmas, with a hope the Covid wouldn't break your celebration!

Exactly a week ago something strange happened to me. I woke away and felt absolutely no emotions whatsoever. For then I thought it's normal and temporary.

But now a week after that nothing has been changed. It's very strange and hard to describe: it's like if you are floating on the "ocean of nothingness", nothing makes you angry, sad, disgusted etc.

At first sight it may sounds wonderful, and for a few days it was like that for me: I finally started to working on a (non-graphical) project that I had constantly put off until the next day. But when it started

to show some success I discovered that no emotions means you also doesn't feel happy of that success. Day after day my life become more and more bland, without colors. Working with any picture in this state is completely off the possibilities: if you can't put any feelings into your picture, what is it worth?

I described what I wrote above on some Discord server I'm in, and someone suggested it may be because of an advanced stage of depression. I have a diagnosed depression and I take pills for it, so on Monday I went to my doctor. She agreed with that diagnosis and raised the dose of my medicament. I felt a relief (in a very intellectual and non-emotional manner) that it will end, but then the doctor said I had to wait at least 2 weeks before I'll start to feel again anything at all.

Right now I'm waiting. It's hard to do anything else, because when I try to do something I'm unable to finish it. Playing games, watching movies, doing some work for yourself, all that things are not worth doing, if you feel nothing. What's worse I'm afraid (again, in a very intellectual and non-emotional manner) that my diagnosis was wrong or the change in my medication was not enough and after those 2 weeks I'll still be "ill".

On Wednesday this week I have got a meeting with my boss, and he told me he won't extend the employment contract with me. This means for me I'm back to the unemployed world.

'Nuff said

Well, actually I have got it since about 23 February. But until now I wasn't sure if I stay employed. Fortunately, today I got my first payday and a confirmation my boss wants me for at least next 2 extra months, so I can finally say I'm no longer unemployed!

I hope it doesn't mean I will be less active here (if that's possible), but on the other hand, I've learned to value free time more. When you got it in smaller amounts, you want to use it as effectively as possible.

But what's more important I got a job in a field I'm specializing and love: programming. During my past job-search times I even considered working in McDonalds, flipping burgers and etc. I'm glad I don't have to do it!

With pleasure I announcing to you all that I passed my final exam at the university with maximum score. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Now I've officially got Bachelor's degree and you can call me Software Engineer

Now I have one more target to reach:

Find a job... >_> >_> >_>